I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Randomize
