I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
