In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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