I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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