If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
