Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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