I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
