I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
