it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
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