my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
