You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
