Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
