I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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