My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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