apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I bet he comes in French.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
