Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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