mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
