In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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