Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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