i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
