So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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