my phone needs a breathalizer
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize