Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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