I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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