I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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