On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
