i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
