hell yes lets make some ravioli
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
