if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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