Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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