to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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