In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
