My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Only a mothe r could love this liver
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
