i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize