Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
