What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
