I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
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