I wish I could teleport
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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