dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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