she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
