there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You pole danced in your parka.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
