I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
