we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
