I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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