She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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