the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
