Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
