you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
