Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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