I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Randomize
