Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
