My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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