this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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