The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Did I show you my penis last night?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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