she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize