so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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